The Daria Chronicles
by Shallow15
Summary: Daria begins experiencing the ups and downs of college life as she attends Willmore University in Lakeside. EPISODE 3: VIDIOCITY NOW AVAILABLE. NOTE: This is an alternate continuum where the events of IICY either didn't happen or happened differently. .
1. Good-bye Lawndale

(Before the credits, we open on the Morgendorffer house. It seems a little older than when we saw it last. We go through a dissolve sequence of the front room, the kitchen, the stairway, the upstairs hall, and then finally Daria's room. The padding is still there, as is the bed and the TV bolted to the ceiling. But the floor is clean and the other walls are bare. Standing in the middle of the room with her back to us is a slender woman with long brown hair that reaches to her shoulder blades. She is dressed in jeans, and a beige jacket. She carries a gray backpack on one shoulder. The view switches to the woman's POV and we take in the room, which now has absolutely no signs that anyone has ever lived in it. As the view turns, we see that the desk is there, but like the rest of the room, there is nothing on it. The bookshelf next to the desk is empty, except for a framed photograph. Zoom in on the photo and we see a picture of Daria and Jane at the Zon. Both are wearing typical expressions, which means a closed lipped smile from Jane and no expression at all from Daria. We see the woman's hand come into the shot and pick up the photo.   
  
(Change the view to just inside the door of the room. The woman's face is still away from us, but she is obviously looking at the photo. After a moment we hear the voice of Helen from off screen)   
  
HELEN: (OS) Are you ready up there? Your father has the car all loaded.   
  
JAKE: (os) Yeah, let's get rollin' kiddo! You wanna get all settled in before classes start on Tuesday!   
  
HELEN: Daria! Are you coming?   
  
(The woman turns to face the camera and we see that it is indeed Daria, although not looking the same as she did in high school. Her face is more slender, her hair looks straighter and is in a style which does not have her usual bangs. She still wears glasses, but the frames are smaller and more oval in shape, allowing us to see her eyebrows over them. Her face is still expressionless, but it seems more...open than before. We also see that she is wearing a green t-shirt under her jacket and she has some sort of necklace on.)   
  
DARIA: I'm on my way down. Try not to let Quinn enjoy my departure too much. (she turns and looks back at the picture.) Well, partner, I hope I can get through this without you around to help me keep my sanity...fat chance.   
  
(Cue Credits. New theme, new opening sequence, new title even...)   
  
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The Daria Chronicles  
  
by Erin Mills  
  
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Theme:   
  
La la LA la la...   
  
Plus Ca Change  
That's what they say  
Life throws curves at you  
Every day  
  
  
And as you survive  
Blocking the glare in your eyes  
From the world around you  
You realize...  
  
  
It's just more of the same   
  
It's just more of the same   
  
It's just more of the same   
  
It's just more of the saaaaaaaammme...   
  
(Opening sequence: We see Daria walking across the quad of a large University. We see her studying in her room, looking at the wall, then reaching behind her for a nine iron and slamming it against the wall a few times, then putting down the golf club looking satisfied. We see her behind the check out desk in the library, writing, when a huge stack of books is placed on the desk, delivered by the hand of Upchuck, with his usual grin. Daria shrugs and "accidentally" knocks the pile onto Upchuck's foot. We then see Daria in a computer lab set up with Jodie. It appears to be the office of the University paper, and Daria is placing the finishing touches on a column entitled "Daria's Reality Check." Finally we see Daria, at the desk in her dorm room, in her night clothes (T-shirt, and shorts) writing in her journal. She closes the journal and gets up from the desk. Close up on the journal. The label on the front of it reads "The Daria Chronicles" with the title of the current episode underneath it, in this case:)   
  
  
  
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Episode 1: Good-Bye Lawndale  
  
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(Fade in on a a wide angle shot of Willmore University. It's a good sized campus with several buildings, lecture halls, and dormitories. We pan across the grounds and see several students engaged in the usual pre-semester hijinks associated with college life. During this time, we hear Daria's voice...)   
  
DARIA:(VO) Saturday, September 16. Welcome to Willmore University. Located in the scenic township of Lakeside, fifty miles from Lawndale. Ideal distance, far enough away for it to be a hassle for my parents to drive in and nag me, while still being close enough for me to drive home on the weekends and beg for money.   
  
(We see the Morgendorffer SUV pull into the parking lot of one of the dormitories. We see a sign declaring this as "Machevelli Hall" The SUV is soon followed by what looks like a green '99 Saturn LS. Helen and Jake get out of the SUV, while Daria climbs out of the Saturn.)   
  
DARIA: (VO, cont.) Upon my escape, read "graduation," from the asylum that masquerades as Lawndale High, my parents decided that chauffering me back and forth every other weekend was going to be a pain they didn't want...hence, the new car. Or more accurately, the used car. But it runs, it's recent, and more importantly, it's paid for.   
  
(The three of them go into the lobby of the dorm. Inside is a table behind which is a female student who looks to be a year or two older than Daria. She has short blond hair and a terminally perky expression. An name tag reads "Kelly Monroe, Resident Assistant.")   
  
KELLY: Hi! Welcome to Willmore. I'm Kelly, I'm one of the R.A.'s here. And you are?   
  
DARIA: Esmerelda of the Seven Veils. I'm here on a Modern Dance scholarship.   
  
HELEN: Daria! (to Kelly) I'm sorry, travel does strange things to her mind.   
  
KELLY: Oh, no problem. I get like that on airplanes!   
  
DARIA: (thought VO) Must be the lack of oxygen. (out loud) I'm Daria Morgendorffer.   
  
KELLY: Okay! Let's see here... (she picks up a clipboard and begins riffling through the pages..) Hmmm...no...no...I'm sorry I don't see any Morgendorffer here.   
  
DARIA: But--   
  
HELEN: (cutting in) There must be some mistake. We have the dorm assignment right here. (she produces the letter. Kelly barely glances at it)   
  
KELLY: Well, I'm sorry, but I don't have a Morgendorffer on the list. And this is the final head count for the building.   
  
DARIA: I'm supposed to be rooming with Jodie Landon.   
  
KELLY: Hmmm...let me check. (Business with the clipboard.) Ah! Here we go...Room 113A, Jodie Landon and Darla Mogendriffer...Hang on... (She peers closer.) Oh, jeez, stupid me! Looks like the ink ran on the sheet when it came out of the printer...or is that the ring from my iced tea glass?   
  
DARIA: Excuse me.   
  
KELLY: Oh, sorry. Looks like you are on the list after all, Darla.   
  
DARIA: Daria. (thought VO) Oh, God, not this again.   
  
KELLY: (passing over a key and a brochure) Okay! Here's your key, Daria, and that brochure has your meal plan card and all the information you need to get started.   
  
DARIA: Great. Thanks.   
  
KELLY: You're in room 113A which means your on the ground floor in the west wing of the building. Just go through those doors and down the hall. It's the sixth room on the right. I think your roommate checked in earlier today, so she may be down there now.   
  
DARIA: (genuinely surprised) Oh! Okay..thanks.   
  
KELLY: No problem. Sorry about the mix up.   
  
HELEN: That's quite all right. Jake!   
  
JAKE: (waking up from a light doze) Huh? What?   
  
HELEN: Go out the car and start bringing Daria's things in.   
  
JAKE: Oh, right.   
  
(Cut to Rm. 113A. Daria enters and looks around. It's a fairly decent sized room. There are two twin beds, one up against each wall. At the foot of each one is a desk and chair with a small bookcase mounted to the wall above it. At the head of each bed is an 2 ft. square space then the closet with a small dresser inside. Daria's half of the room is predictably barren, while Jodie has apparently already settled in. Her bed is neatly made with unobtrusive bedding. The bookshelf holds several dozen volumes, mostly dealing with business administration. The space on top of the bookshelf holds a modest sized stereo. The desk is neatly laid out with a blotter, pens, pencils, tape dispenser, stapler, and a clock radio. There are no pictures of Jodie's family anywhere...)   
  
(Jake appears with a couple of boxes and they begin unpacking Daria's things. During this...)   
  
DARIA: (VO) Jodie had asked to room with me when she told me she was going to be attending Willmore. Turns out that my decision to tell the Ivy League to take a running jump after Jane left was the inspiration she needed to finally stand up to her father and tell him that she didn't see the shame in attending a local college. Andrew was less than supportive, to put it mildly. Fortunately, turning 18 meant that Jodie could finally get her hands on the trust fund her grandmother had set up for her when she was born. So she packed up some clothes, withdrew all the money from that account, and deposited it in another bank. She kept enough money pay tuition and board, get herself a used car, and sundry living expenses, and got the hell out of the Landon household. So, she was very much on her own and I guess she figured a familiar face couldn't hurt to have around. (beat) Yeah, I don't know why she asked me either.   
  
(Dissolve to later. Daria's half of the room looks settled in now. The bed is made, the Kafka poster hanging above it. The cheese and heart models are on top of the bookcase. The bookcase is filled with books of varying degrees of literary merit. We see some clothes hanging in the closet. On the desk is Daria's computer, while her TV, VCR, and the cart they rest on are sitting in the gap between Daria and Jodie's desks.)   
  
HELEN: Well, it looks like you're all settled in.   
  
DARIA: Thanks for the help.   
  
JAKE: Hey, no problem, kiddo! That's what we're here for.   
  
HELEN: (stalling the departure) All right, Daria, do you have everything?   
  
DARIA: Yes, Mom.   
  
HELEN: Toiletries, office supplies, calling card...   
  
DARIA: Yes, Mom, I do...   
  
HELEN: ...laundry detergent, dryer sheets--   
  
DARIA: Mom, I have everything I could possibly need short of a blowtorch and some rusty metal to do sculpture with.   
  
JAKE: A BLOWTORCH?! Daria, what in God's name would you need with a BLOWTORCH!   
  
HELEN: It was a joke, dear. Remember, you were going to try harder to recoginze those.   
  
JAKE: (sheepishly) Oh, right. Sorry, kiddo.   
  
DARIA: (slight smile. She knows she's going to miss that.) That's all right, Dad.   
  
HELEN: Well, we probably ought to get going. Killer breakfast meeting on Monday and a mountain of breifs to get through.   
  
JAKE: (reaches into his wallet and gives Daria two 100-dollar bills) I know you've got money set aside for books and whatnot, so this is just for day to day cash. (leans in and whispers) If the cafeteria food here is as bad as at Middleton, you'll need it.   
  
DARIA: Thanks, Dad.   
  
JAKE: I don't suppose--nah, you're too old for that sort of thing.   
  
(To both Helen and Jake's surprise, Daria hugs them both tightly. Appropriate shocked looks from both.)   
  
DARIA: Thanks, both of you. You've been a real help the last couple of months. (She lets them go) But if you ever tell anyone I did that, I'll deny it.   
  
JAKE & HELEN: (Smile at each other.)   
  
HELEN: All right, Daria, if you're all settled in we're going to go now.   
  
DARIA: Okay. I thought I'd wait a few minutes and see if Jodie shows up. If not, I'm going to go look around campus for a while.   
  
HELEN: Sounds good. Get yourself familiar with where everything is. College campuses can be very confusing.   
  
JAKE: Yeah, I remember my freshman year. I went looking for my American History class and ended up roaming in the steam tunnels for a week. Not that the old man cared when they called him to tell them his ONLY CHILD HAD BEEN DOWN IN THE DARK WITH THE RATS FOR--   
  
HELEN: Jake!   
  
DARIA: Dad!   
  
JAKE: I'm fine!   
  
HELEN: We'd better go. Call us if you need anything, sweetie.   
  
DARIA: All right.   
  
(Helen and Jake make their goodbyes and leave. Daria goes back to the bed and picks up her backpack. She takes out the photo of her and Jane and puts it on the bookshelf. She leans over the desk and begins placing pens, pencils, and other school supplies in the desk. She pauses and looks up at the photo.)   
  
DARIA: (VO) In all honesty, I was expecting things to be a little weird after I was finally cut loose from the Morgendorffer nest. I mean, let's face it, the first time you realize that, from this point on, you are in charge of your own life is kind of intimidating. Once the euphoria dies off, anyway. But here I am, on my own, ready to take on college life.   
  
(Daria sighs and looks sadly at the picture.)   
  
DARIA: (VO) Where's Jane when I need her?   
  
(COMMERCIAL BREAK. Bumper: Similar to S4 sliding images)   
  
  
  
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Coming soon from Shallow 15 Productions: She doesn't know who she is. She doesn't know where she came from. She only knows one thing. Something is after her...  
  
...and it won't stop until it finds her.  
  
ZERO BLUE  
  
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(Back to Daria's dorm room. Daria is sitting at the desk with her feet up on the bed, reading. Theres a rattling at the door, and Jodie comes into the room. She doesn't look that different from before, but she is wearing black slacks and a sweater with black and magenta diagonal stripes. From the neckline we can see the collar of a white blouse. The sleeves of the sweater are pushed up to her elbows. She's carrying a couple of grocery bags. Daria puts down her book)   
  
JODIE: Oh, hi!   
  
DARIA: (Getting up and taking one of the bags) Hi.   
  
JODIE: When did you get here?   
  
DARIA: A couple of hours ago. The parents left about a half hour ago. I thought I'd hang around and see if you showed up. (beat) What's with the bags?   
  
JODIE: Oh, just some non-perishable junk food. Chris and I figured it'd be a good idea to stock up since the school charges an arm and a leg for it.   
  
DARIA: Chris?   
  
JODIE: Oh, right, you haven't met her yet. Well, I have good news and bad news...   
  
DARIA: Give me the good news first.   
  
JODIE: The good news is that Chris is an intelligent, sardonic, and witty girl who lives upstairs.   
  
DARIA: Okay. What's the bad news?   
  
(The door suddenly burst open and a Native American girl with short close cropped black hair, dressed in a white T-shirt and yellow running shorts dashes in and grabs Jodie by her shoulders.)   
  
GIRL: Jodie! She's SQUEAKING again! You gotta call her off!   
  
(From out in the hallway we hear a VERY fmailiar voice...)   
  
VOICE: Hey, Chris? Where'd you go?!   
  
JODIE: (to Daria) The bad news is, she's Brittany's roommate.   
  
(Brittany comes into the room. She's still in a cheerleaders outfit, only this one is black with a red skirt, Willmore's colors.)   
  
BRITTANY: Oh HERE you are! I was beginning to wor--Oh, HI, Daria! I didn't know you were Jodie's roommate!   
  
DARIA: Hello, Brittany. (whispered to Jodie) How the HELL did she get accepted here?   
  
JODIE: (whispered) Her Uncle Bob's on the Admissions committee.   
  
DARIA: Figures.   
  
JODIE: That's not the worst part though.   
  
DARIA: Excuse me?   
  
BRITTANY: This is so GREAT! I was worried that the only people from Lawndale that were coming here would be me and Kevvy!   
  
DARIA: KEVIN got accepted here?   
  
BRITTANY: YES! He got a football scholarship!   
  
DARIA: Of course he did. (to the girl) I know we just met and all, but would it be possible for you to kill me now? Jodie won't do it.   
  
GIRL: Oh, sure, and who's going to put me out of MY misery? I have to live with her.   
  
JODIE: Daria Morgendorffer, this is Christine Sanchez.   
  
CHRIS: (shaking Daria's hand) Nice to meetcha. Everybody calls me Chris.   
  
DARIA: Charmed. Everybody calls me rarely.   
  
CHRIS: So, Rarely, what ya majoring in? I found out Jodie and I are in the same field.   
  
DARIA: (letting the "Rarely" comment slide, for now.) Business administration, right?   
  
CHRIS: Yep. I figured if I'm gonna take over Granddad's Bingo parlor back home, I better know how to run the place.   
  
DARIA: Bingo parlor?   
  
CHRIS: Yeah, I'm a Seminole. My Granddad runs a Bingo parlor out in the Everglades. Wants me to take over the business eventually.   
  
DARIA: Thank God for government intervention.   
  
CHRIS: (straightfaced) Oh yeah, the ability to gamble on the reservation sure makes up for the near extermination of the tribe.   
  
DARIA: (uncomfortably) I--uh...sorry.   
  
(Chris immediately smiles.)   
  
CHRIS: Gotcha. Don't worry, I don't hold one person responsible for the entire race.   
  
DARIA: Actually, if you believe Sick Sad World, I'm an alien love goddess out to steal the skins of every human being on the planet.   
  
CHRIS: I THOUGHT you looked familiar!   
  
DARIA: You SAW that?   
  
CHRIS: Never missed an episode of SSW. Hell, sometimes it was the only way to convince myself that there were psychos in places other than Miami.   
  
DARIA: You've obviously never been to Lawndale High.   
  
CHRIS: I know, Jodie's been telling me horror stories.   
  
DARIA: I can imagine.   
  
BRITTANY: Hey! Lawndale wasn't that bad!   
  
JODIE: Okay, now that we're all acquainted, could somebody please help me put this stuff away?   
  
(The four of them begin emptying the grocery bags and putting bags of chips, cookies and other junk food on the shelves of the closets. As they work, Chris notices Daria's necklace.)   
  
CHRIS: Hey, Rarely, where'd you get the killer necklace?   
  
DARIA: It's Daria.   
  
CHRIS: (smirking) Oh, does "Rarely" bother you?   
  
DARIA: A little.   
  
CHRIS: Okay, sorry...Rarely.   
  
JODIE: Let it go, Daria. She does this to nearly everyone.   
  
CHRIS: Yeah, unfortunately, it doesn't always work, like when I met Brick.   
  
DARIA: Brick?   
  
JODIE: Kevin.   
  
CHRIS: He thought it was a compliment. I meant that he had the intelligence of a brick.   
  
BRITTANY: (looking up from the back of a bag of chips) Hey! You stay away from my Kevvy!   
  
CHRIS: (sighs) Yes, Brittany, I know. He's yours, all yours...(quietly) and you can HAVE him. (back to Daria) So where'd you get the necklace from?   
  
(Close up on Daria's necklace. It's a gold hoop, on top of which rest a crossed silver quill pen and a silver dagger. A silver chain holds the hoop.)   
  
DARIA: Oh, a friend of mine made it before she left.   
  
JODIE: How is Jane, anyway? Have you heard from her?   
  
DARIA: Not recently. She's still working on trying to get settled. Culture shock and all.   
  
JODIE: It's still got to be exciting for her though.   
  
DARIA: (Quietly) Yeah...exciting.   
  
(Cut to Chris, who senses that this is something Daria doesn't want to talk about. She glances at Daria's clock radio. It's 5:30 PM.)   
  
CHRIS: Hey, anyone given any thought to dinner plans?   
  
DARIA: I was just planning on going to the cafeteria.   
  
CHRIS: (Shaking her head) No good there, Rarely. Caf doesn't open for business until classes start on Tuesday.   
  
DARIA: Wonderful.   
  
JODIE: Why don't we go get Mack and go out to dinner? There's a couple of good restaurants around town.   
  
BRITTANY: And Kevvy!   
  
(Daria, Jodie and Chris exchange glances and sigh.)   
  
JODIE: And Kevin, I suppose.   
  
CHRIS: Fine, but if that little toad insists on coming with us, I'm sitting as far away from him as possible.   
  
DARIA: What little toad?   
  
JODIE: Um, that's the OTHER bad news...   
  
(Cut to a townhouse in another part of Lakeside. The girls are standing on the steps leading to the front door. Jodie rings the bell and the door opens...)   
  
UPCHUCK: Why HELLO there, lovely ladies...   
  
(Cut to Jodie looking apologetic and Daria looking like she's either going to be ill or kill somebody.)   
  
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)   
  
  
  
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NEXT ON "THE DARIA CHRONICLES:" Daria begins her first week of classes at Willmore. Along the way, she meets several new faces, and begins to realize why, in college, sometimes you HAVE to get a job. "Book Learnin'" next time on "The Daria Chronicles."   
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(Back to the show. We see a large restaurant with a large red neon sign proclaiming it to be "Red October's" Cut to the interior. It's a wood panneled restaurant with various nautical paraphenalia on the walls. The tables are tale, with equally tall chairs to go with them. It's fairly crowded, there's a jukebox in one corner. At one large table sits Daria, Jodie, Mack, Chris, Kevin, Brittany, and, unfortunately, Upchuck. True to her word, Chris is sitting in the seat farthest away from Ruttheimer. However, this also means that Daria is seated directly across from him. Jodie is sitting next to her, Mack across from her. Daria is attempting to ignore Upchuck, without much success. Kevin is wearing a football uniform also in the Willmore colors. Mack is in a red T-shirt, jeans and a black leather vest. Upchuck is in his usual outfit except the shirt is powder blue instead of yellow, and he's added a denim jacket.)   
  
DARIA: (to Mack) Okay, you want to explain to me why an reasonably intelligent individual who seems to have all his brain cells in working order, such as yourself, would voluntarily reside in the same house as Austin Powers's evil twin over here?   
  
UPCHUCK: Oh, it's quite simple, I'm cheap.   
  
DARIA: Tell us something we don't know, Upchuck.   
  
MACK: Actually, he's right. He's renting out the rooms in the townhouse for only 200 a month.   
  
UPCHUCK: The house is paid for. Dad uses it when he's in Lakeside on business. It just seemed like a waste to let it sit there, so Dad turned it over to me while I'm here and said to rent out some rooms.   
  
DARIA: And you rented them to guys?   
  
UPCHUCK: Well, that was one of the stipulations Dad made. So obviously I couldn't rent the rooms out to lovely luscious ladies like yourselves. Rrrrr.   
  
CHRIS: So, no girl would come near the place, huh?   
  
MACK: Not a one.   
  
(Mild laughter. Daria looks around the restaurant with interest.)   
  
DARIA: Interesting place.   
  
CHRIS: Yeah, it's the ultimate college hangout. The guy that runs it started it out as a seafood place, then added pizza, and finally after somebody pointed out the name he added sandwiches.   
  
DARIA: What do you mean?   
  
CHRIS: Red October's...submarine sandwiches.   
  
DARIA: That's...really bad.   
  
CHRIS: Get used to it, Rarely.   
  
MACK: "Rarely?"   
  
JODIE: I'll explain later.   
  
KEVIN: Nah, I ordered my steak sandwich well done.   
  
(pause.)   
  
KEVIN: What?   
  
(The waitress arrives and passes out the plates. Chris and Brittany have salad, Kevin has a steak sandwich, Jodie and Mack are splitting a platter of shrimp, Upchuck has steamed oysters, and Daria has a plate of cheese fries.)   
  
JODIE: Is that all you're having?   
  
DARIA: It's a travel thing. I don't like to eat heavy after moving.   
  
BRITTANY: But what about all those pizzas you and Jane always ate after walking to the Pizza King after school back in Lawndale? You were moving then.   
  
DARIA: Yes, but only under duress.   
  
BRITTANY: I don't think I've ever seen you in a dress...well, except when you had that part playing Mrs. Lincoln before she went crazy.   
  
CHRIS: Say what?   
  
JODIE: I'll explain later.   
  
MACK: (to Upchuck) Oysters?   
  
UPCHUCK: Well known for their potency. (Smarmy grin) And for passing it along to those who ingest them...   
  
(Cut to underneath the table. Upchuck's foot oozes across and begins to caress Chris's bare leg. Cut to Chris, who stiffens for a split second, with a mouthful of salad. She chews, swallows, then turns to Jodie.)   
  
CHRIS: Jodie?   
  
JODIE: (with a mouthful of shrimp) Mmm?   
  
CHRIS: I know we only met yesterday, but would you please pass this down.   
  
(She gives Jodie a light punch to the shoulder. Jodie looks shocked for a minute and stares at Chris.)   
  
CHRIS: (motioning) Pass it down.   
  
(Jodie swallows the shrimp, then smiles and turns to Daria.)   
  
JODIE: Daria?   
  
DARIA: Yeah?   
  
JODIE: (punches Daria in the shoulder and points at Upchuck.) Pass it down.   
  
(Daria looks at Jodie, then at Chris, who nods. Cut to the underside of the table where we see Daria's leg pull back. Cut to above the table, there's a thud, the table jumps slightly and Upchuck's eyes widen sharply.)   
  
UPCHUCK: eep.   
  
(He pitches face first into the oysters. A round of applause. Daria gives her usual smile.)   
  
(Cut to Rm. 113A. Daria is sitting at her desk in her nightclothes, a blue T-shirt and gray shorts. She's writing in her journal.)   
  
DARIA: (VO) So that was the first day at Willmore. I met someone new who seems to be my kind of person, hooked up with a couple of people I can tolerate and who seem like they could become friends...and then there's Kevin, Brittany, and Upchuck...   
  
(Jodie comes into the room in a robe, drying her hair with a towel.)   
  
JODIE: Hey, Daria, you going to be up long?   
  
DARIA: No, just finishing up my journal entry. I'll be going to bed soon.   
  
JODIE: Cool. (She plugs in a hair dryer and begins drying her hair. Daria goes back to writing.)   
  
DARIA: (VO) So what do I think? I think it's too early to say yet how college life will treat me. But...it may not suck as much as I thought it would without Jane...   
  
(At that point, there's a LOUD bass rumble that begins to vibrate the whole room. It sounds like bad hip-hop music. Daria and Jodie look annoyed. Daria gets up, goes to Jodie's closet, looks at her questioningly, Jodie nods. Daria pulls a 9-iron out of Jodie's golf bag, and leave the room. Jodie listens for a minute, then theres an even LOUDER colllection of thuds and rumbles. TRhe volume drops off sharply. Daria returns with the golf club, puts it back in the golf bag, and goes back to her journal. Jodie shrugs and goes back to her hair drying.)   
  
DARIA: (VO) ...Then again...   
  
(Cut to the credits. Similar to the original Daria credits with makeovers as follows:   
  
Daria as a cop.  
Jodie as Florence Nightingale  
Mack as John Wayne  
Kevin as Fred Astaire  
Brittany as a baseball player  
Chris as Groucho Marx  
Upchuck as Marty Feldman  
  
  
fade out.)   
  
  
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"Daria" and related characters are copyright (C) 2000-2001 MTV Networks and Viacom International. Willmore University, Christine Sanchez, Kelly Monroe and all related locations and characters are copyright (C) 2000 by Erin Mills.   
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	2. Book Learnin'

  
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The Daria Chronicles  
  
by Erin Mills  
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Theme:   
  
La la LA la la...   
  
Plus Ca Change   
That's what they say  
Life throws curves at you  
Every day  
  
  
And as you survive  
Blocking the glare in your eyes  
From the world around you  
You realize...  
  
  
It's just more of the same   
  
It's just more of the same   
  
It's just more of the same   
  
It's just more of the saaaaaaaammme...   
  
(Opening sequence: We see Daria walking across the quad of a large University. We see her studying in her room, looking at the wall, then reaching behind her for a nine iron and slamming it against the wall a few times, then putting down the golf club looking satisfied. We see her behind the check out desk in the library, writing, when a huge stack of books is placed on the desk, delivered by the hand of Upchuck, with his usual grin. Daria shrugs and "accidentally" knocks the pile onto Upchuck's foot. We then see Daria in a computer lab set up with Jodie. It appears to be the office of the University paper, and Daria is placing the finishing touches on a column entitled "Daria's Reality Check." Finally we see Daria, at the desk in her dorm room, in her night clothes (T-shirt, and shorts) writing in her journal. She closes the journal and gets up from the desk. Close up on the journal. The label on the front of it reads "The Daria Chronicles" with the title of the current episode underneath it, in this case:)   
  
  
  
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Episode 2: Book Learnin'  
  
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(We open on the campus of Willmore University, focusing on the clock tower, which reads 11:45. The bells ring, and suddenly a horde of students begin to appear from the various buildings. We focus on one particular clot and we see Daria, a sheet of paper in hand and looking around bewilderedly. She stops to look down at the paper and another student plows into her, knocking her down. She looks up and glares at the retreating form.)   
  
Daria: (VO) Daria's Rule of College #1: Class Schedules do not adhere to any known form of logic in existence. Where else are you going to find that you've signed up for an elective courses only to find that either the class or the classroom doesn't exist?   
  
(Daria gets up from the walk and makes her way to a nearby building. A sign on the side reveals it to be the "Pollard Student Union" Cut to a large room with tables and chairs set up around it. A large archway leads to what appears to be a small cafeteria. We see Jodie sitting at one table a stack of books next to her. She is jotting notes down on a pad in front of her, while idly munching from a plate of french fries. Daria comes up to the table, puts her backpack on one of the chairs and sits down, opening a bottle of orange juice.)   
  
JODIE: (looking up) Oh, hi, Daria. How are classes going?   
  
DARIA: Over for the day, thank God. How is it that having less classes on a daily basis exhausts me more than having seven or eight classes one right after the other?   
  
JODIE: Dumb luck? (smirks) Seriously, it's probably because you have to dash back and forth across a campus that's crammed up against the foothills of a mountain range all day.   
  
DARIA: Damn near vertical university campus. (She looks at the pile of books) Please tell me that these aren't all for one class.   
  
JODIE: You're partially right. Six of them are for my English Lit. course, while the others are for Business Admin.   
  
DARIA: Joy.   
  
JODIE: Hey, at least you got to take Gothic Lit. instead.   
  
DARIA: Can I help it if Stephen King is a bigger draw than Chaucer and Shakespeare? Besides, it's not like I don't have my own schedule problems.   
  
JODIE: What do you mean?   
  
DARIA: My Creative Writing class apparently doesn't exist. I waited in the classroom for twenty minutes and no one showed up. No professor, no other students, nothing.   
  
JODIE: Are you sure you were in the right room?   
  
DARIA: I checked a couple of other classrooms and none of them were the right class. I even checked other permutations of the room number just in case it was a typo. No luck.   
  
JODIE: That's really weird.   
  
DARIA: Yeah. If the class has been cancelled, I'm out three credit hours and that's going to violate my scholarship agreement.   
  
JODIE: You said you don't have anymore classes today, right?   
  
DARIA: Yeah. Why?   
  
JODIE: You should go talk to your advisor. They'll probably be able to tell you what happened and get you into a class to replace the credit hours.   
  
DARIA: (sighs) I guess I'll have to. There's nothing else for it.   
  
JODIE: Come on, what's the worst that could happen?   
  
(Cut to Daria sitting outside an office. The name on the door reads "Dr. Karen Alvarez, English." From inside the office we can hear what sounds like the good doctor yelling at some hapless student.)   
  
DARIA: (VO) Daria's Rule of College #2: No other member of the faculty is more terrifying than your Faculty Advisor. Not the dean of your school, not the president of the university, not even the person who founded the place. The main reason being that your Faculty Advisor has the authority to yell at you if they don't agree with your class choices for the semester, and if you want to change classes for any reason, they automatically assume that it's because you're either a) a slacker or b) an idiot.   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: (OS) ...I don't CARE if you ARE a Phys. Ed. major! English 101 is REQUIRED...do you hear me? RE-QUI-RED!   
  
(We now hear a very familiar voice answering her--)   
  
KEVIN: (OS) But I'm the QB, Ms. A.   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: My name, Mr. Thompson, is DOCTOR Alvarez. If you can't get that right, then get the hell out of my office!   
  
KEVIN: Cool!   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: Sit down, Mr. Thompson. You're not going anywhere until we get your schedule organized!   
  
KEVIN: But you just said I could go...   
  
(Daria groans and rubs her temples)   
  
DARIA: (VO) Case in point. Dr. Karen Alvarez, tenured English Professor. She's only in her mid thirties, according to her offical bio in the University Who's Who, but she has already managed to cultivate a personality that combines the rampant feminism of Ms. Barch with the near psychosis and low tolerance for intellectual midgets of Mr. DeMartino.   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: NO! HOW MANY DAMN TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?! "WEIGHT TRAINING" IS NOT THE SAME AS "LITERARY GIANTS!"   
  
DARIA: (VO) I'm doomed.   
  
(The door opens and Kevin comes out with his usual dumb grin)   
  
KEVIN: Thanks, Ms. A! Hope that headache goes away soon!   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: OUT! JUST GET OUT!   
  
(Kevin turns to go and spots Daria waiting outside the office.)   
  
KEVIN: Hey, Daria! You going in next?   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: (os) I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT, THOMPSON! AND TAKE YOUR FRIEND OUT THERE WITH YOU!   
  
DARIA: (VO) Forget doomed. I'm dead.   
  
KEVIN: Oh Daria's not a friend, Ms. A! We just went to the same high school.   
  
DARIA: (VO) Thank you SO much, Kevin. (Out loud) Um, Kevin, I talked to Mack on my way up here, he said that there was an emergency meeting of the football team up at the stadium. It started ten minutes ago.   
  
KEVIN: Oh my gosh! I gotta go! Coach is gonna kill me! Thanks Daria! (He rushes out)   
  
DARIA: And so the lemming rushes to the sea.   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: (from behind Daria) No, that would be insulting lemmings everywhere.   
  
(Daria turns to see Dr. Karen Alvarez standing behind her. She is actually quite short, only an inch or two taller than Daria. She is in her mid thirties with shoulder length black hair tied back in a ponytail, and dressed in a printed skirt and brown sweater, a pair of glasses hang from a chain around her neck. She seems much calmer than before.)   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: I thought I told him to take you with him.   
  
DARIA: Um...I'm not his friend. He just--   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: --Went to high school with you. My condolences.   
  
DARIA: Yeah, unfortunately, he lives with my roommate's boyfriend, so I can't ever seem to get away from him.   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: Ouch. (She holds out a hand) Dr. Karen Alvarez.   
  
DARIA: (shaking her hand) Daria Morgendorffer.   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: Come on in.   
  
(They enter the office. It looks like your standard English professor's office. Overflowing bookshelves, binders, stacks of papers. Daria sits in front of the desk while Dr. Alvarez takes her seat behind the desk.)   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: So, what can I do for you, Daria?   
  
DARIA: Um...I showed up for my Creative Writing class and no one else did, including the professor.   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: That's odd. (She punches up some information on the computer) What's the class number?   
  
DARIA: (Reaching into her pocket for the class schedule) CW002-3817   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: (entering the information) Ah..ha. I see...   
  
DARIA: What?   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: Professor Campbell decided it wasn't worth his time. The class was canceled this morning.   
  
DARIA: This morning?   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: Doesn't happen often, but it does happen...especially when Campbell thinks he has something better to do. I'm just surprised there wasn't a notice on the door.   
  
DARIA: Notice?   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: It what usually happens when a class gets canceled at the last minute.   
  
DARIA: (slumping down in embarassment) um..IguessIdidn'tseeit...   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: (looks up) Something wrong?   
  
DARIA: Um..yeah...just feeling a little--   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: (smirking) Stupid?   
  
DARIA: Um..yeah.   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: Don't. I've been here for nearly fifteen years and I see about 50 freshmen every year who get caught out by that.   
  
DARIA: Oh.   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: Let's bring up your records here...(clickety click) Here we go. (beat) Hmmm.   
  
DARIA: What?   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: You have a very impressive academic record, Daria, considering you graduated from Lawndale High.   
  
DARIA: (frowning slightly) Right.   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: Don't take that the wrong way. I've met Angela Li once or twice, and I'm amazed whenever anyone gets out of that asylum with even a modicum of sanity and intellect intact. (looks again) And with a scholarship to boot.   
  
DARIA: Yeah, that's the problem, Dr. Alvarez. If my Creative Writing class is cancelled, I'm three credit hours short for my scholarship requirements this semester.  
  
  
DR. ALVAREZ: Well, we don't want that. Let's see... (clickety click) Nothing really available in the English Department that wouldn't be a waste of your time...Have you ever taken a theatre course?   
  
DARIA: Um...I'm not really into performing much...   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: You won't have to. There's an Intro to Theatre lecture course that has some openings. Mostly the history of the theatre, some play analysis. It isn't a performance course. In fact, you can get in on it today. It starts at 2 PM. I'll give you an Add/Drop card for Prof. Ferguson to sign, and you'll be set.   
  
DARIA: Well, that sounds...all right.   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: (Smirking again) Trust me, I have a feeling it'll grow on you.   
  
DARIA: Like a fungus?   
  
DR. ALVAREZ: Exactly.   
  
(Both give small subdued laughs.)   
  
(Cut to the exterior of the Neilson Performing Arts Center then to the interior. Daria is wandering around the opulent foyer of the building, which seems to be more like an actual theatre lobby than an academic building. She looks lost, and goes through a set of double doors which lead to the main auditorium.)   
  
(Cut to the auditorium. Daria begins making her way down the aisles towards the stage. On the stage is a tall, bespectacled man in his mid-twenties with brown hair. He's dressed in a purple button down shirt and black jeans. He has a headset with a microphone and appears to be yelling at someone.)   
  
MAN: Look, I don't give a damn how much it cost you! We can't use it...we can't USE it...Listen to me...Listen...Are you listening?....WE...CAN...NOT...USE...IT!   
  
DARIA: Um...excuse me?   
  
MAN: (to Daria) Just one sec...(into headset) Then get ANOTHER styrofoam cow! It's not that hard!   
  
DARIA: Um...I hate to interrupt, but where can I find Prof. Ferguson's Intro to Theatre course?   
  
MAN: (into headset) Yeah...yeah..yeah! Yeah, you DO that! (takes headset off) I swear, some days it's like a day care center around here. (to Daria) Sorry about that, what can I do for you?   
  
DARIA: Um...I was looking for Prof. Ferguson's Intro to Theatre course.   
  
MAN: Ah. You went through the wrong door when you came in. The classrooms are in the back. Here... (He holds out a hand and helps Daria up onto the stage. As she climbs up, she notices a wedding ring on his left hand.) Follow me.   
  
(He leads her back stage to a pair of doors and opens the right hand one. We see a hallway leading into a more convetional college building setup.)   
  
MAN: Just go down the hall, up the stairs and turn left. You'll run right into it.   
  
DARIA: Oh. Okay, thanks uh...   
  
MAN: Malcolm. Malcolm Kaiser.   
  
DARIA: Daria Morgendorffer. (thinks for a minute) I know you've probably been asked this before...   
  
MALCOLM: (sighing) Yes, Malcolm Kaiser was the name of the kid who offed himself in "Pump Up The Volume." I've heard it before.   
  
DARIA: Actually, I was wondering where the restrooms were.   
  
(Malcolm blinks and Daria smirks)   
  
MALCOLM: (grins) Heh. Down the hall, up the stairs and to the right. (At that point, theres a squawk from the headset in his hand.) Damn! Sorry, I can't show you up there, but we're doing inventory.   
  
DARIA: Or some semblance of it?   
  
MALCOLM: Not even that. (grins again) See you around.   
  
DARIA: Yeah. Thanks again.   
  
(But Malcolm is already screaming into the headset and can't hear her. She shakes her head amusedly and makes her way up to the stairs.)   
  
DARIA: (VO) Daria's Rule of College #3: Despite the inconveniences of Rules 1 and 2, college is a place where you can find plenty of like-minded individuals to associate with...when they aren't tearing their hair out dealing with a cluster of unlike-minded individuals--   
  
(From offscreen we hear one final commentary from Malcolm:)   
  
MALCOLM: (OS) NO! WE ARE NOT USING IT AND THAT'S FINAL!   
  
DARIA: (VO) --not that they're any more sane than the people you wanted to avoid in high school.   
  
(Daria finds the classroom and enters it. It hasn't begun yet. There's a class of about 25 students in the room...one of which is a surprise.)   
  
DARIA: Mack?   
  
(Mack looks up from the notebook he's thumbing through.)   
  
MACK: Daria?   
  
(Daria sits down next to him, taking a notebook and pencil out of her backpack.)   
  
MACK: What are you doing here? I didn't peg you as the drama type.   
  
DARIA: I could say the same thing about you. I didn't know you were into this sort of thing.   
  
MACK: What? Just because I'm on the football team, I can't appreciate the theatre?   
  
DARIA: What? No, I didn't mean that...I mean, I don't know what you're into. We haven't exactly ended up in a lot of situations like this where it's just you and me talking.   
  
MACK: (considers) True. Sorry I jumped down your throat.   
  
DARIA: No problem.   
  
MACK: So, what's up? I'm sure you would have mentioned if we had the same class.   
  
DARIA: One of my classes got canceled at the last minute. My advisor recommended I take this one to make up for it.   
  
MACK: Who's your advisor?   
  
DARIA: Dr. Alvarez.   
  
MACK: I think Kevin got her as an advisor too.   
  
DARIA: I know. She was in a meeting with him when I got there.   
  
MACK: How did she react?   
  
DARIA: The usual reaction.   
  
MACK: Remind me to send her a LARGE bottle of aspirin.   
  
DARIA: (reaches into her pocket and gives Mack a couple of bucks) Here, call me a sucker for charitable causes.   
  
(The door to the classroom opens and a middle aged man with a salt-and-pepper goatee and a receding hairline enters. He puts an overcoat and a satchel on the table at the front of the room and turns to the class.)   
  
MID-AGE MAN: Good afternoon. I'm Dr. Randall Ferguson and this is Intro to Theatre. If you are not taking Intro to Theatre this semester...you have a serious problem with your sense of direction. (smiles and actually gets a couple of subdued laughs)   
  
FERGUSON: (reaching into the satchel) I'll now be handing out the syllabus for this semester...oh yes, and you WILL need both of the books for this course; "The Hartford-Collins Theatre Omnibus" and "Theatre: Arts and History." Fortunately, you won't need them until next week, so for those of you who have burned through the student loan money already, you have time to beg your parents for more.   
  
(Dissolve to the University Bookstore. Daria and Mack are roaming through the shelves looking for the books.)   
  
MACK: (looking at the cards indicating which class the books are for.) 107, 106, 104B...   
  
DARIA: 101...here it is.   
  
(She pulls down the two books and flips them over to read the price tag. Her eyes widen.)   
  
DARIA: A hundred and fifty dollars?!   
  
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)   
  
  
  
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COMMERCIAL: COMING SOON FROM FROZEN ROSE STUDIOS. Magic. Mystery. Intrigue. Death Eaters. Quiddich. A new year at Hogwarts, this time with...Daria and Jane? (NOTE: The previous production is being created by Arctic Rose)   
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(Back to the show. Rm. 113A. Daria is laying on her bed, flipping through some loose cash.)   
  
DARIA: 43..44..45...damn.   
  
(She sits up, puts the money into a bill clip and pockets it. She sighs in frustration and reaches for the phone. As she dials:)   
  
DARIA: (VO) Daria's Rule of College #4: Textbooks are the work of the Devil. Nowhere else will you spend a ludicrous amount of money for information that is only of use to you for a ten to twelve week period, only to either a) sell it back for ten percent of what you paid for it or b) be stuck with it for the rest of your life.   
  
(The phone rings on the other end. Split screen: Daria is on the right, and the phone is picked up at Chez Morgendorffer by Helen on the left.)   
  
HELEN: Hello!   
  
DARIA: Mom? It's me.   
  
HELEN: Daria! How nice to hear from you. How is your first week of classes going?   
  
DARIA: Not bad. That's kind of why I called...   
  
(We hear Jake from offscreen)   
  
JAKE: (OS) GAAHHHH! 500 dollars a bottle?!   
  
HELEN: Sorry, sweetie, what was that? Your father just had some bad news.   
  
DARIA: Um...well, the reason I called is--   
  
JAKE: (OS) What the HELL are they trying to do? RAISE my blood pressure?!   
  
HELEN: JAKE! I'm on the phone! Sorry, Daria. You were saying?   
  
DARIA: One of my classes got canceled at the last minute and the class I'm taking to replace it requires two books. It..uh..comes to 150 bucks and I don't have enough for it. I was wondering if you could lend me the money?   
  
JAKE: (OS) Lousy damn health insurance SHARKS! WHAT? DO THEY THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY?!   
  
HELEN: JAKE! (to Daria) Daria, I'm sorry but your father's health insurance stopped covering prescriptions so the mohtly budget's tighter than usual. Until we get this mess sorted out, we won't really have a lot of cash to spare.   
  
DARIA: Oh. All right...thanks anyway...   
  
HELEN: You know, Daria, you might want to consider getting a job while you're there. It would take care of your financial situation and put a little extra money in your pocket, plus give you some important experience.   
  
DARIA: Mom, I'm taking 18 credit hours this semester. When am I going to have time to go to a job?   
  
HELEN: Well, maybe you can get something on campus. Those jobs always work around a student's class schedule.   
  
DARIA: Yeah. I'll look into it.   
  
HELEN: I'm serious, Daria. Give it some thought.   
  
DARIA: Okay, Mom. Thanks.   
  
HELEN: I know it'll be tough to start with, Daria, but this is where real life starts to intrude into your world.   
  
DARIA: Send me an angel, please.   
  
HELEN: (laughs) Will you be home this weekend?   
  
DARIA: Not sure yet. I'm going to see what's happening around here.   
  
HELEN: All right. We'll talk to you later. I have to go tranquilize your father before he sees the credit card bill.   
  
DARIA: Okay. Bye.   
  
HELEN: Bye, sweetie.   
  
(Helen hangs up and Daria sighs)   
  
DARIA: (VO) Daria's Rule of College #5: When your parents can't help you monetarily, and you like your friends and mistrust your associates too much to borrow money from them, employment is the only alternative...   
  
(She flops back onto the bed and groans.)   
  
DARIA: Lousy real world.   
  
(Cut to the Willmore University cafeteria. Jodie, Daria and Chris are sitting at a table eating.)   
  
DARIA: --so, there it is. I need a job and I need it fast.   
  
JODIE: You know, Daria, I'd be happy to lend you the money if you need the books that soon.   
  
DARIA: No...as much as I hate to admit it, my mom was right. I have to get a job. The question is, what?   
  
JODIE: Red October's is hiring...   
  
DARIA: No good. There's no guarantee they'll be able to work around my class and study schedule.   
  
CHRIS: You know, Rarely, I was in the advisement center and saw a listing on the job board for the library. About 200 bucks a week, three days out of six.   
  
JODIE: Sounds like it'd be right up your alley, Daria.   
  
DARIA: Oh yes, shelving misplaced books left there by people who don't know what all the rectangular things are doing there.   
  
JODIE: Daria...   
  
DARIA: I know, I know.   
  
CHRIS: You said you needed a job on campus, and from what I saw it was either that...or working with him. (She jerks a thumb over her shoulder into the serving area)   
  
(Cut to one of the counters where we see Upchuck, in the ubiquitous apron and truly stupid paper hat that all male cafeteria workers are forced to wear, serving steaming hot chili to the latest in a long line of unwary young women.)   
  
UPCHUCK: Hello, lovely lady, care to sample my goods?   
  
(The girl looks ill. Cut back to Daria, Jodie and Chris.)   
  
DARIA: All right, what do I--   
  
(SPLAT!)   
  
UPCHUCK: (OS) YEEEAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!   
  
(Upchuck goes running out of the cafeteria at high speed, his face covered in chili. All three look at the scene.)   
  
CHRIS: Looks like Sir Lance-a-less tried his crap on the wrong person.   
  
DARIA: How much did you pay her?   
  
CHRIS: (innocently) I have no idea what you're talking about.   
  
JODIE: Did you or did you not swear revenge after you caught him following you on your jog last week?   
  
CHRIS: I'm above all that.   
  
DARIA: Like the ocean is above the sky.   
  
CHRIS: (sighs) Thirty bucks. You happy now?   
  
DARIA: You were robbed. I would have done it for ten.   
  
CHRIS: Damn!   
  
JODIE: So?   
  
DARIA: So what?   
  
JODIE: The library job?   
  
(Daria sighs and turns to Chris)   
  
DARIA: Where do I go to apply?   
  
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)   
  
  
  
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COMMERCIAL: It has long been known that Daria has a thing for video games. And when the Pollard Student Union's arcade hosts their semi-annual Retro Revival video tournament with $500.00 up for grabs, her skills are put to the test. "Vidiocity" next time on "The Daria Chronicles."   
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(Back to the show. We see an external shot of the J. Bellbooke Memorial Library. Cut to the interior. We see Daria walking along the shelves with an older woman, about 22, with a short bob-cut black hair, dusty jeans and a black T-shirt that's two sizes too big for her. The words "Crab Shrapnel" can be seen on the front of her shirt. Her name is Sue Wiggins.)   
  
SUE: I'm glad you got the job, Daria. God knows that we needed more people who know what these things on the shelf here are.   
  
DARIA: Oh, you mean the wall decorations?   
  
(Sue gives her a look like she's not sure whether Daria's joking or not, then realizes she is.)   
  
SUE: Exactly. Anyway, there's not a lot to this job. Paperwork, research, and replacing things.   
  
DARIA: You sure?   
  
SUE: Well, that's what it boils down to. Of course, the hoops you'll have to jump through to accomplish any of those goals varies in difficulty depending on how badly the gorillas--er--patrons screw things up.   
  
DARIA: Like deciding a children's book goes in the medical section 5 floors down?   
  
SUE: Or deciding that they just don't need to clean up a juice spill that ran into three separate aisles. Do you know how to use a mop?   
  
DARIA: Yeah.   
  
SUE: Wow. Never met anyone who voluntarily learned to use a mop.   
  
DARIA: Does using my sister's head as the mop count?   
  
SUE: Only if it required extensive hair coloring afterwards.   
  
(Daria smirks. Montage: We see Sue showing Daria the ropes. How to check out books, showing her the computer system. Taking her down into the "dungeon," where the Special Collections are kept. Offices are also down here, along with a break room. We see Daria actually helping people use the computers. Jodie comes up to the counter with an armful of books and Daria, without breaking a sweat or her usual expression, checks all 15 of them out in 12 seconds. Later, we see Daria pushing a cart down the aisle looking at the call numbers on the spines of the books, then up at the shelves in frustration..)   
  
DARIA: (VO) Daria's Rule of College #6: You will never be able to decode the Library of Congress cataloguing system. Leave it to the government to take an easy method of organizing books and making it nearly impossible to find what you need.   
  
(She puts a couple of books back, then wheels it around a corner...   
  
...When she abruptly collides with something, spilling books onto the floor. Daria frowns and bends down to pick them up.)   
  
DARIA: (muttering) Why can't people look where they're--   
  
(She goes to the side of the cart and sees what...or rather, who...she ran into. A Japanese-American man in his late teens/early twenties dressed in jeans, a blue T-shirt and a vest pattern with neon squiggles. He is also in a wheelchair. He looks up at her and smiles.)   
  
GUY: Look where they're going?   
  
DARIA: (flustered) Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't see you down...er...over...   
  
GUY: That's okay, few people see me. Down or over. Let me help you with those. (he leans over and picks up a couple of books)   
  
DARIA: Oh no, I wouldn't want you to get hurt... er... I mean...   
  
GUY: It's all right. I don't bruise easily.   
  
DARIA: I didn't mean anythin...   
  
GUY: S'all right. No harm done. You were just bowled over by my ride. (pats wheelchair)   
  
DARIA: Thanks.   
  
GUY: Again, no problem. (gathers up books and hands them to her) My name's David, by the way. Are you new here?   
  
DARIA: Yeah, and my name's Daria. I just started on Wednesday.   
  
DAVID: I knew I hadn't seen you before, how do you like it?   
  
DARIA: It's good work...   
  
DAVID: But on the whole, you'd rather be in Philidelphia?   
  
DARIA: What?   
  
DAVID: Nothing. Yet another in a long line of smart-ass responses for uncomfortable pauses in conversation.   
  
DARIA: Oh.   
  
DAVID: I worked here for a year or so, before I got a job at the school newspaper. You meet lots of interesting people around here, but the shelves are murder to work with, even if you have two good legs.   
  
DARIA: Tell me about it. i'm already getting chronic neck strain.   
  
DAVID: The student store sells hand warmers that work well in getting rid of that.   
  
DARIA: Thanks. I think I'll try that.   
  
DAVID: (after a pause) Oh, but don't plan on getting your nails done anytime soon. All the female fashionplates that work here ever do is bitch about how getting the books into the shevles effect their 30 dollar nail jobs.   
  
DARIA: We've got fashion plates?   
  
DAVID: Only for a few weeks in the begining and end of each semester. They never last long after they realize the job involves actual work.   
  
DARIA: Thank God. If I had to deal with another Fashion Club...   
  
DAVID: Fashion Club? Oh no. Don't tell me you're one of them?!   
  
DARIA: Damn. And I thought I had covered those neck implants.   
  
DAVID: (grinns) Now you'll have to kill me. or erase my memory. And if you do the second one, please avoid any info that involves British Literature. That stuff's hard enough to get into my brain as is.   
  
DARIA: I wouldn't do that...I'd use Waif.   
  
DAVID: AIIIGHHH! EVIL! EEEEVIL!   
  
(Daria gives one of her rare subdued laughs)   
  
DAVID: (laughing and looking at his watch) Whoa! Damn. Have to go. Hydraulics course in ten minutes. Been nice talking to you, Daria.   
  
DARIA: It's been...nice talking to you, David.   
  
DAVID: I'll see you around. I'm usually here every other day.   
  
DARIA: Good...I mean, cool.   
  
DAVID: See you later.   
  
DARIA: Bye.   
  
(David wheels off. Daria watches him go. Dissolve to Room 113A. Once again, Daria is in her nightclothes and writing in her journal at her desk.)   
  
DARIA: (VO) So that's the first week of classes at Willmore. Lots of changes in my life. New job, new friends...maybe even a new--no, don't start getting your hopes up, Daria. It's too soon for all that...   
  
(Daria stops writing and looks up thoughtfully for a minute, then goes back to her writing.)   
  
DARIA: (VO) But, not wanting to get into another relationship doesn't necessarily mean I wouldn't mine seeing David once in a while at work...or out on campus...or maybe--   
  
(We fade out to the credits as she keeps writing.)   
  
***  
  
MAKEOVERS:   
  
Jodie as Eliza Dolittle   
  
Chris and Upchuck as Gomez and Morticia Addams   
  
Mack as Richard III   
  
Malcolm as Cecil B DeMille   
  
Dr. Alvarez as Marie Antoinette   
  
David as the Lincoln Memorial   
  
Daria as Serendipity from "Dogma"   
  
  
  
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"Daria" and related characters are copyright (C) 2001 MTV Networks and Viacom International. "Willmore University" "Christine Sanchez" "Malcolm Kaiser" "David Kuromura" "Dr. Karen Alvarez" "Prof. Randall Ferguson" and all other related characters and locations are copyright (C) 2001 by Erin Mills.   
  
Special Thanks to Leigh "Lio" Adamkeiwicz for all her help with the third act.   
  
  



	3. Vidiocity

The Daria Chronicles  
  
by Erin Mills  
  
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Theme:   
La la LA la la...   
  
Plus Ca Change That's what they say Life throws curves at you Every day   
  
And as you survive Blocking the glare in your eyes From the world around you You realize...   
  
It's just more of the same   
  
It's just more of the same   
  
It's just more of the same   
  
It's just more of the saaaaaaaammme...   
  
(Opening sequence: We see Daria walking across the quad of a large University. We see her studying in her room, looking at the wall, then reaching behind her for a nine iron and slamming it against the wall a few times, then putting down the golf club looking satisfied. We see her behind the check out desk in the library, writing, when a huge stack of books is placed on the desk, delivered by the hand of Upchuck, with his usual grin. Daria shrugs and "accidentally" knocks the pile onto Upchuck's foot. We then see Daria in a computer lab set up with Jodie. It appears to be the office of the University paper, and Daria is placing the finishing touches on a column entitled "Daria's Reality Check." Finally we see Daria, at the desk in her dorm room, in her night clothes (T-shirt, and shorts) writing in her journal. She closes the journal and gets up from the desk. Close up on the journal. The label on the front of it reads "The Daria Chronicles" with the title of the current episode underneath it, in this case:)   
  
  
  
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Episode 3: Vidiocity   
  
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(We open on Red October's. It's early evening. Jodie, Daria, and Chris are sitting in a booth. The remnants of an evening pizza is sitting on the table, along with several empty glasses, wadded up napkins, and books. Daria is reading over what looks like an essay, making occasional corrections with a red pen. Jodie is scribbling on a piece of paper while looking up at an Economics textbook she has propped open in front of her. Chris is paging through an English anthology. After a minute, Daria puts down the pen and hands the papers to Chris.)   
  
CHRIS: It sucks, doesn't it?   
  
DARIA: It's not so much that it sucks. You made your points pretty well.   
  
CHRIS: But?   
  
DARIA: Honestly?   
  
CHRIS: That's why I asked you to read it.   
  
DARIA: (nods) I've eaten week old toast that was less dry than that.   
  
CHRIS: (sighs) That's what I thought. I hate English Lit.   
  
DARIA: Could be worse. Look, you make some good points but it sounds like you're regurgitating what you got out of your research. That may be fine for business writing, but you need to make it a little more palatable for an essay.   
  
CHRIS: Palatable? You want I should maranade it?   
  
DARIA: Not so much to that extreme. I hear Dr. Alvarez hates it when teriyaki sauce drips onto her keyboard.   
  
JODIE: (looking up from her notes) Daria's right, Chris. But it's an easy fix, just change a few words here and there. Pretend it's an oral report. Make it sound formal but not stilted.   
  
CHRIS: I hate oral reports.   
  
DARIA: You and me both.   
  
JODIE: That's right, you have that one due tomorrow, don't you?   
  
DARIA: Oh yeah.   
  
CHRIS: Who's class is it for?   
  
DARIA: Professor Winkleman's.   
  
CHRIS: Oh, no. Don't tell me...   
  
DARIA: Yeah. History 107, Conspiracy Through the Ages.   
  
CHRIS: What the hell made you decide to take that?   
  
DARIA: I thought it might be amusing. I've watched enough Sick Sad World that I thought I'd be prepared for any kind of crackpot theory the course could throw at me. I wasn't expecting half the first day to be an endless rehashing of every major conspiracy surrounding the Kennedy Assassination.   
  
CHRIS: So why stick with it?   
  
DARIA: Sheer masochism?   
  
JODIE: What's the report on again?   
  
DARIA: "Secret Societies And Their Effect On Modern Times." It's more or less done. I'm gonna stop in at the library tomorrow morning before class and get Sue or Jim to go over it. They both took the course a couple of years ago, and they said Winkleman hasn't changed his curriculum in ten years.   
  
CHRIS: Good plan. (she looks down at her essay) Well, I guess we'd better get out of here. I need to try to pound this thing into some sort of shape by tomorrow.   
  
(The three of them gather their stuff together and leave. As they reach the door, a gang of frat boys come in, and plow right through them. One knocks Daria down, and her glasses go flying.)   
  
DARIA: My glasses!   
  
(And at that point, there's a sickening "CRUNCH" as one of the frat boys accidentally steps on her glasses. He looks down and picks them up. One lens is more or less shattered.)   
  
FRAT BOY: Oops. Sorry about that, babe.   
  
(Daria takes her glasses without a word. The frat boy goes off and joins his buddies, obviously not caring about what he did. Daria glares after him.)   
  
JODIE: Daria? Are you all right?   
  
CHRIS: (taking the glasses and looking at them) Damn, Rarely, they did a number on these.   
  
DARIA: (taking the glasses back and turning to Jodie) Can you drive us back to the dorm? You know I can't see a damn thing without my glasses.   
  
JODIE: Sure. ARE you all right?   
  
DARIA: (handing her car keys to Jodie) I will be once I can see again.   
  
(Machevelli Hall. Rm. 113A. Daria, Jodie and Chris enter. Daria goes to the dresser in her closet, tosses the broken glasses on top of it and rummages around in her top drawer.)   
  
DARIA: Where the hell are they?...   
  
CHRIS: Um...Rarely? You sure you're going to be okay.   
  
DARIA: (without looking at her) I'm fine, Chris. Stop worrying. Ah-ha!   
  
(She comes up with a glasses case, and takes out a spare pair of glasses, similar to the wire frames she wears [in THIS series, anyway :)])   
  
DARIA: (putting them on and going to the door.) I'll be back in a while. (exits)   
  
CHRIS: Where's she going?   
  
JODIE: I don't know. But she always does that when she's really ticked.   
  
CHRIS: You sure? If I were her, I'd be out for blood.   
  
JODIE: Daria's not that violent. She'll be back in half an hour and she'll be fine. See?   
  
(Cut to the book shelf, where an ominous black binder sits between Daria's copies of "The Prince" and "The Count of Monte Cristo.")   
  
JODIE: (O/S) The Black Book is still here. If she was really pissed, she'd be paging through it looking for something really nasty to do to them. She'll be fine, so stop worrying about her.   
  
CHRIS: All right. If you say so...   
  
JODIE: Yes, I do. Now will you go? I have to finish these damn Econ sets and you have an essay to revise.   
  
CHRIS: Okay! Okay! I'm going! 'Night, Jodie.   
  
JODIE: 'Night, Chris.   
  
(Chris leaves and Jodie closes the door)   
  
JODIE: (thought V/O) I hope she'll be all right. She's been acting weird since last July.   
  
(Pollard Student Union. We see several students entering and exiting the building. Cut to the Student Union Arcade. There are a variety of video games and pinball machines lining the walls. In the background we see some students playing pool. Daria enters the shot and looks around.)   
  
DARIA: (V/O) I guess now is as good a time as any to admit this. I am a video junkie. I love video games. Anything that allows me to vent my homicidal tendencies without fear of being arrested gets a thumbs up in my book. As a result, I've found I spend anywhere from 10-20 hours a week in the University's arcade. These are always low key visits, when no one I know is there, and I always spend my time at one game. My game...   
  
(She walks through the games, avoiding the patrons, making her way to one machine in particular: CyberKron 3000. However, once she reaches the machine she sees the "OUT OF ORDER" sign on it.)   
  
DARIA: DAMN!   
  
(She looks around in frustration.)   
  
DARIA: (V/O) ...unfortunately, when my game isn't available, it means that I get a little irrational. Once I'm in the arcade and I can't play my game, I have to find something to replace it or I start wondering about all the time I waste there.   
  
(Daria looks at all the games. Shooting games, fighting games, and sports games dominate the walls. She frowns and heads around a corner into an alcove where there are older video games from the early 80s.)   
  
DARIA: I also hate it when all that's available are shooting games, sports games or fighting games. I don't care to spend my time repeatedly reloading on a shooting game, I feel like I'm about to permanently dislocate something trying to figure out all the damn button combinations on a fighting game, and the less said about sports games, the better.   
  
(She heads down the aisle before settling in front of a machine. We see a close up of her inserting a quarter into the machine.)   
  
DARIA: Say what you will about older video games, sometimes they can be more entertaining than the over hyped, graphics heavy gore fests that seem to make up modern video gaming.   
  
(We see Daria playing the game, we hear what sounds like laser fire and odd sci-fi noises. We pan up to see that she's playing "Defender." We see her hands moving rapidly over the buttons that fire and control the ship. Cut to her face, which is just as expressionless as usual. Cut to the screen where we see the ship blasting alien ships like crazy and racking up points. Finally, Daria loses her last ship and steps back from the machine. Her face is as expressionless as before, but she seems much more relaxed.)   
  
(Cut back to Rm. 113A. Jodie is at her desk working on her Econ homework. Daria comes into the room, locks the door, hangs up her jacket and sits at her computer.)   
  
JODIE: Daria? You all right?   
  
DARIA: Fine. (she begins typing) I just came up with another interesting wrinkle for my report.   
  
JODIE: You did? What?   
  
(Daria doesn't reply but we see her usual close lipped smile spread across her lips.)   
  
(J. Bellbooke Memorial Library, the next day. Cut to the employee break room. Daria comes in and spots Jim Buckner, one of the upperclass library employees thumbing through a magazine. She walks over.)   
  
DARIA: Hey, Jim.   
  
JIM: Daria! Nice to see you. You working today?   
  
DARIA: Not today. I was looking for you or Sue. Can you look over this report for Professor Winkleman's class?   
  
(She hands him her report.)   
  
JIM: (glancing at it) History 107?   
  
DARIA: Yeah. Oral report. I just wanted a second opinion before I give it this afternoon.   
  
JIM: Sure, give me a minute...   
  
(He begins reading it. We dissolve to later, Jim reaches the last page of the report, frowns, and reads it again.)   
  
JIM: (looking up) You sure you want to make this comparison?   
  
DARIA: Yes. It's a valid analysis. They're a natural outgrowth of the old secret societies.   
  
JIM: I'm not disputing that, but this seems a little inflammatory. Any members that are in your class may take offense. The branches around campus tend to take things like this personally.   
  
DARIA: That's their problem.   
  
JIM: It may be yours. They aren't exactly known for showing restraint, especially to freshmen.   
  
DARIA: Look, if they do anything, I'll take my lumps, okay? I know this isn't going to be a popular view, and it wouldn't be the first time I've been on the wrong side of a section of the student body.   
  
JIM: (hading the report back) All right, as long as you know what you're getting into, Daria. It's a solid report. Winkleman should eat it up, especially with that last page.   
  
DARIA: Good. Thanks, Jim. (she exits)   
  
JIM: Good luck, Daria...you're gonna need it once this gets around.   
  
(Cut to the Taylor Social Sciences building, then to Prof. Winkleman's class where Daria is wrapping up her report.)   
  
DARIA: ...In conclusion, one doesn't have to look far to find secret societies in today's world. The emphasis has merely changed from clandestine meetings and secret handshakes to appearing out in the open in modern fraternities and sororities. Both types of organization have their own set of laws which are expected to supercede local, state, and federal law. They both have memberships which can be exploited to get good jobs, promotions, or other favors with the assistance of other members. And both have a tendency to ignore the basic tenets of decency, respect, and general manners to those who don't belong to the organization or a related organization.   
  
(Cut to the class where we see the Frat Boy who broke Daria's glasses in Red October's. He seems torn between scrunching down in embarassment or committing murder. Back to Daria.)   
  
DARIA: The only difference in the public view of secret societies is that they are no longer secret, and much to no one's surprise, they are just as accepted now as they were then. Thank you.   
  
(Daria goes to her seat to polite applause. Prof. Winkleman, a rotund man with a large mustache in his mid-50s, comes to the front of the class)   
  
WINKLEMAN: Thank you very much, Ms. Morgendorffer. That was a very insightful and thought provoking report. I hope many of you will take this into account when the next Rush Week descends upon us. Ask yourselves, "Is the organization I'm thinking of joining REALLY out to help my fellow man, or is it simply a front of some sort to promote elitism or private agenda of only a select few..."   
  
(As Winkleman drones on, we see the Frat Boy glaring at Daria from his seat.)   
  
(Cut to Machevelli Hall's parking lot. Daria, Jodie, Mack, and Chris are walking out of the dorm.)   
  
JODIE: (to Daria) He actually LIKED it?   
  
DARIA: Not only that, when class ended, he asked if I'd be willing to read it again in his 307 class.   
  
CHRIS: And you came up with that whole secret society/frat thing last night?   
  
DARIA: Yeah, and all it cost me was a bout of temporary blindness.   
  
(While Chris and Jodie laugh about this, Mack looks over and frowns)   
  
MACK: I think you may want to recheck your figures, Daria.   
  
DARIA, CHRIS, JODIE: Huh?   
  
(Mack points over to Daria's car. Daria frowns in confusion and walks over.)   
  
(Cut to the car hood. Someone has keyed up the hood something fierce covering it with Greek letters and the message "Greeks Rule!" in large letters. It's obvious Daria is going to have to get a paint job to repair the damage.)   
  
JODIE: Daria?   
  
(Chris comes up to Daria.)   
  
CHRIS: Rarely? You okay?   
  
DARIA: (quietly) Go on without me.   
  
MACK: What?   
  
DARIA: (looking up) Go to the cafeteria without me. I have something to do.   
  
JODIE: You aren't thinking of doing something stupid, are you?   
  
DARIA: (sighs) Don't worry, Jodie. The Book is staying on the shelf. I just need to go somewhere for a few minutes. (she walks off)   
  
CHRIS: Okay, she is starting to scare me. NO ONE can be that well adjusted! If it were me, I'd be out with a baseball bat looking to smash some frat boy heads.   
  
JODIE: She's scaring me too.   
  
CHRIS: I'd have thought you'd be used to it. You guys went to school with her, didn't you?   
  
MACK: Yeah, but even on her bad days, she never gave the impression of a time bomb about to go off. I think we'd better keep an eye on her.   
  
CHRIS: Good idea.   
  
(Jodie says nothing but watches Daria's retreating figure, concern clearly evident on her face.)   
  
JODIE: (V/O) What happened to you, Daria?   
  
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)   
  
  
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COMMERCIAL: Coming Soon From Shallow 15 Productions. Lawndale has seen it's share of disasters and bizarre events in fanfiction history, but when Daria comes into possession of a strange jade mask with a legacy of violence and unbridled insanity, there's gonna be a hot time in the ol' town that night.   
  
DARIA/THE MASK: MY BIG HEAD GIRL   
  
  
  
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(Student Union Arcade. Daria is back in the 80's Alcove, this time blasting the hell out of an endless army of robots on "Berzerk.")   
  
DARIA: (V/O) Daria's Rule of College #7: Your time in college is marked by periods of having to spend large amounts of money interspersed with periods of being broke and wishing you HAD large amounts of money. At this point in time, my paycheck from the library had been more or less spent on school supplies and food. What little cash I did have wasn't enough to cover the cost of both my glasses and my car. While Mom's insurance would most likely take care of the glasses, my auto insurance doesn't cover car keying, which means that the new paint job for my hood was going to have to come out of my pocket. There was no way I was going to hit my parents up for money this early in the school year for something that was basically--ugh--cosmetic.   
  
(Cut to the Arcade entrance. We see Upchuck come in and look around. He wanders past a few of the games, plays around with the buttons on some, looking for games with credits still on them. After a while he rounds the corner into the alcove and sees Daria. He gets his usual smarmy grin on his face and strolls up to her.)   
  
ROBOT VOICE ON GAME: INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!   
  
UPCHUCK: Why HELLO there, sweet lady.   
  
DARIA: Well, either you have really good timing, or this machine is psychic.   
  
UPCHUCK: It could be both. Or it could be my own personal magnetism gumming up the works.   
  
DARIA: (still into the game) Uh-huh. Upchuck, I'm a little busy here and I'm not in the best of moods right now, so why don't you go somewhere else before I'm forced to reenact this game using you as a stand in for the robots?   
  
UPCHUCK: Rrrrr, feisty! (Daria frowns and jabs the "Fire" button more feircely than usual. Upchuck cranes his head around to look at the screen) I fyou like, I'd be more than happy to share my years of experience with--HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET 50,000 POINTS ON THIS MACHINE?!   
  
(Cut to the game screen. Daria continues to play and her score keeps increasing past the 50,000 mark. Cut back to Daria and Upchuck.)   
  
DARIA: (shrugs) I just play. I don't care about scoring...which is something you really ought to consider learning.   
  
UPCHUCK: (still excited) This is incredible, Daria! I've NEVER seen anyone score this high on one of these old machines!   
  
(Daria doesn't respond but continues to play.)   
  
UPCHUCK: (considers) You know...with your skill and a little help from me, we could clean up at next week's tournament.   
  
DARIA: (looking at Upchuck) Tournament? What tournament?   
  
VIDEO GAME: BZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTT!   
  
DARIA: Damn! (She turns to Upchuck) Now, what tournament?   
  
UPCHUCK: You didn't notice? I'm amazed. The divine Ms. Mmmm being completely oblivious to her surroundings?   
  
DARIA: Upchuck, it's been a really bad week. Either get to the point or get out of my way.   
  
(Upchuck turns and rips a flyer from the side of a nearby machine and hands it to her.)   
  
UPCHUCK: The Pollard Student Union Arcade's Annual Retro Revival Video Tournament. Special elimination contest, no game newer than 1984.   
  
(Daria looks down at the flyer. Cut to the flyer where the words "FIRST PRIZE: $500 IN CASH!!!" are clearly evident. Daria blinks.)   
  
UPCHUCK: (continuing) Just think about it, Daria. The prestige, the renown, the money--   
  
DARIA: Where do I sign up?   
  
UPCHUCK: --the...what?   
  
(Montage. Music Cue: "Pac-Man Fever" Buckner & Garcia.)   
  
(We see Daria getting up in the morning. She grabs a towel and her toothbrush, and opens the door to find Upchuck standing there, dressed like a coach. He blows a whistle around his neck, waking up Jodie. Daria snarls and slams the door in his face.   
  
Later. We see Daria walking out of a building, a stack of books in her hand. Upchuck, still in the coach's outfit comes up to her and begins dragging her in the directions of the Student Union. Daria stops walking and looks down at his arm, then back up at him. Upchuck blanches and lets her go. Daria walks on.   
  
Still later. Daria is walking out of the library, presumably having finished her shift. She walks across the quad to the Student Union and goes into the arcade. She starts playing Pac-Man. Upchuck appears and we see him trying to offer her advice. Daria ignores him for a while but he gets more and more excited and/or agitated until Daria gives up in frustration, picks up her backpack and turns to go, taking care to slam him with it, causing him to slam into the machine.)   
  
(End montage. Room 113A. Daria comes in, collapses on her bed, and groans into the mattress.)   
  
JODIE: He's still bothering you abut practicing at all hours of the day?   
  
DARIA: (muffled) Yes, just like every day for the last week. Even when I went there for the qualifying round, there he was. I swear if I didn't need the money so bad, I'd just forget about this whole thing. I'm spending more time in Upchuck's company than I could ever wish to.   
  
JODIE: Well, look at it this way. The tournament's tomorrow, you'll go in, you'll play, and after that he won't bother you anymore.   
  
(Right on cue, there's a pounding at the door. Jodie gets up and answers it. Sure enough, there's Upchuck.)   
  
UPCHUCK: Daria! What are you doing? The tournament's tomorrow. Come on, the arcade is going to be open all night so that the entrants can get some last minute practice in.   
  
JODIE: Upchuck, don't you think you're taking this a little too seriously?   
  
UPCHUCK: That's part of the whole strategy. No one is taking it seriously, so if we do, she's a shoo in!   
  
JODIE: What exactly are you getting out of this, Upchuck? You know Daria needs that money to fix her car.   
  
UPCHUCK: Me? I just want to see our dear Daria live up to the potential as the video warrior I know she is deep down.   
  
JODIE: Uh huh...Daria, what the hell is he talking about?   
  
DARIA: (still muffled) I think he sees me as some sort of gravy train to the professional video game tournament circuit. (she gets up) All right, Upchuck. Just give me a minute, huh? I have to make a phone call.   
  
UPCHUCK: Of course.   
  
DARIA: (picking up the phone and dialing an extension) Hello...yeah...could you come down here for a second? I have an infestation....Thanks. (she hangs up)   
  
UPCHUCK: Infestation? An infestation of what?   
  
DARIA: You'll see.   
  
CHRIS: (showing up in the doorway) Somebody call me?   
  
UPCHUCK: (delighted) Why, hel-LO, my little Indian Princess!   
  
(Chris cocks an eyebrow.)   
  
CHRIS: (to Jodie and Daria) Would you excuse us for a minute? (She grabs Upchuck by the sleeve and hauls him off screen)   
  
UPCHUCK: (O/S) Why, Ms. Sanchez, I never knew you to be so forward, but out here in the...what are you doing? Wait a--OOWWWWWWWOOWWWOWOWOWWOWOWOWWWWW! UNCLE! UNCLE! YEEEEEOOOOUCH! NO NO WAIT NOT--(*THUD*) owwwwwwwww...   
  
CHRIS: (coming back into the shot) Infestation cleared out. Anything else you guys needed?   
  
DARIA: No. Just that. Thanks.   
  
JODIE: Do you need any help getting rid of the body?   
  
CHRIS: Nah. I'll leave it out there as a warning to the other vultures. Good luck tomorrow, Daria.   
  
DARIA: Thanks.   
  
(Chris exits. Jodie stands up and closes the door. From behind it we hear Upchuck moaning in pain.)   
  
UPCHUCK: (O/S) ooooooohhhhhh...f-feisty...   
  
(The Arcade. It's getting crowded. The pool tables have been pushed aside and a platform with a microphone and speakers has been set up. On the back wall are a large bank of Gamechoice 15 machines. Daria, Jodie, Mack, Chris, and Upchuck come in)   
  
CHRIS: (to Upchuck) Remember what I said. Behave yourself or I'll dislocate the other shoulder.   
  
UPCHUCK: Yes, ma'am.   
  
MACK: Wow. I didn't think old video games would be so popular. (looks around) Hey, Daria, isn't that Malcolm?   
  
(He points and sure enough, we see Malcolm Kaiser talking to what looks like the arcade's manager. He's got a piece of paper in his hand.)   
  
DARIA: Yeah. I didn't know he was organizing this.   
  
JODIE: Who's Malcolm?   
  
MACK: Grad student. We see him in our Intro to Theatre classes sometimes. Ferguson seems to use him as a gofer.   
  
DARIA: Considering the mess that was made of the prop warehouse during the inventory, I don't blame him. Need to stay on the department head's good side and all.   
  
(Daria, Mack, and Jodie go up to the platform.)   
  
MALCOLM: (to the manager) ..right, right. So we do the prelims and the quarters, then break for an hour?   
  
MANAGER: Yeah. The program chips are on their way, but the truck's held up in traffic.   
  
MALCOLM: Gotcha. (looks down) Oh, hey Daria. Mack. How's it going?   
  
MACK: Not too bad. You?   
  
MALCOLM: Oh you know, another day, another ulcer.   
  
DARIA: I didn't think this would be the repsonsibility of the Theater department.   
  
MALCOLM: It isn't. They just borrowed the sound equipment. I'm doing this for FUN. (mock grin) Actually, it isn't that bad. Carl just hates loaning out his precious sound equipment unless someone from the department babysits it. I just volunteered to MC to make things go easier.   
  
MACK: Well, that's cool.   
  
MALCOLM: Any of you guys entering? They haven't given me the contestant list yet.   
  
DARIA: Um...I am. I need the money.   
  
MALCOLM: Paint job, right?   
  
DARIA: How did you know about that?   
  
MALCOLM: (jerking a thumb off to one side) The Kappas are in the house, and they have big mouths.   
  
(Cut to a large crowd of guys in frat shirts. And one of them is the Frat Boy we keep seeing.)   
  
DARIA: (mutters something incomprehensible)   
  
(The manager comes up and taps Malcolm on the shoulder.)   
  
MANAGER: We're all set. Whenever you're ready.   
  
MALCOLM: Right. (to the group) Well, time to get this show on the road. Good luck, Daria.   
  
DARIA: Thanks.   
  
(Malcolm picks up a microphone.)   
  
MALCOLM: All right! How's everybody feeling today?   
  
CROWD: WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!   
  
MALCOLM: Good! Glad to hear it. Welcome to the fifth annual Retro Revival Video Game Tournament!   
  
CROWD: WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!   
  
MALCOLM: Now for you incoming crowd of Freshmen who have no idea what the hell you're in for, let me explain how this works. After all the registrants entered, each was issued a five minute period during the last week to come in and rack up as many points as possible. The judges took the 16 highest scores and notified those luky individuals that they qualified for the preliminary round for this tournament. So let's get to know them...   
  
(the Manager reappers with another piece of paper.)   
  
MALCOLM: Thank you, Phil. Richard Pierson!   
  
(Daria glares again as the Frat Boy comes up on stage.)   
  
MALCOLM: Hillary Grant!   
  
(Hillary does likewise. Malcolm continues reading off names, citing seven more until...)   
  
MALCOLM: Kevin Thompson!   
  
(Kevin comes out of the crowd, Brittany enthusastically cheering him on, along iwth a few other jock types.)   
  
JODIE: KEVIN entered this thing?   
  
MACK: (glares at Upchuck) No way to avoid it, since SOMEONE kept ranting about his "video warrior" not taking the tournament seriously enough all week back at the house.   
  
UPCHUCK: Uh..heh heh...I may have let a few tiny details slip..OWWWWW!   
  
CHRIS: Sorry, my foot slipped too.   
  
Back on the platform, Kevin poses for a minute before Malcolm shoves him over to one of the machines.)   
  
MALCOLM: Yes, we're all impressed, but this is only a one-day event. Next up, Daria Morgendorffer!   
  
(Daria swallows and goes up to the platform.)   
  
JODIE: Good luck, Daria.   
  
CHRIS: We're all rootin' for ya, Rarely!   
  
(Daria takes her place at the machine next to Kevin's. She closes her eyes, trying to psyche herself up for the competition. Malcolm continues calling out names in the background. She's nearly calmed down when...)   
  
MALCOLM: And our last contestant, last year's Retro Revival champion, David Kuromura!   
  
(Daria's eyes snap open, and she turns to see David wheeling around the platform to the final station.)   
  
KEVIN: Dude! He's in a wheelchair! How's he gonna reach the buttons?   
  
(Daria gives Kevin a nasty look, but David merely smiles.)   
  
DAVID: Observe.   
  
(He reaches behind his wheel chair, and extracts a folded metal object. He begins unfolding it and within minutes, there's a makeshift platform complete with ramp for David to wheel up and be high enough to play the game effectively. The crowd "oohs" appreciatively at this. Malcolm goes on to introduce the judges of the competition. Meanwhile, Daria walks over to David.)   
  
DARIA: Wow. That's...impressive.   
  
DAVID: (grinning) Ain't it though? Took me six months to build last year.   
  
DARIA: Seems to be working fine.   
  
DAVID: Yeah. It's all right as a stopgap. I'm working on something even better though. But enough about me, how's the library treating you?   
  
DARIA: Fine...I'm finally getting the hang of not being shocked when I find the sociology books about sex in the bathrooms after closing.   
  
DAVID: Oh yeah, forgot about that. Just make sure any wet spots are actually water before you touch the pages though.   
  
DARIA: So, you..um...won this tournament last year?   
  
DAVID: It was a fluke. My opponent spent all his time "training" so on the day of the actual tournament, he got to the finals and passed out before we could have the final match.   
  
DARIA: Lucky break.   
  
DAVID: Yeah. So you in this for the money too?   
  
DARIA: Isn't everyone?   
  
DAVID: I heard about your car.   
  
DARIA: What is this? That only happened last week.   
  
DAVID: News travels fast between dorms. The Willmore U. grapevine is twice as fast as the TV news and about three times more reliable. Sorry that those frat guys couldn't take a joke.   
  
DARIA: Yeah...well, like I said when someone pointed out the risks, I agreed to take the lumps. Now I just need to get the paint job done.   
  
DAVID: Well, I hope you win then...just don't expect me to throw the match if we both make it to the finals.   
  
DARIA: (smirks) I'd be forced to deactivate your brakes so you'd end up rolling off campus on that huge hill behind the library and being turned into a bloody pulp by the swarm of traffic if you did.   
  
DAVID: Ouch. I shudder to think what will happen if I beat you honestly.   
  
DARIA: Fun with assorted power tools.   
  
(Both chuckle, then become aware of Malcolm standing next to them.)   
  
MALCOLM: (smirking) Are we done flirting yet?   
  
(Daria blushes as the crowd laughs)   
  
MALCOLM: Okay then. To your stations! You have ten minutes to play. The top 8 scores at the end of the time will move on to the next round. If you lose all your lives, your score stays where it is. And to start things off, it's time to avoid traffic, turtles, and alligators as you attempt to make it across the screen, and to your fly eating sweetie. Ladies and gentlemen, it's "Frogger!"   
  
(MUSIC CUE: "Froggy's Lament" Buckner & Garcia)   
  
(The contestants turn and begin playing. We focus on each competitor in turn as we watch their facial expressions while the game play is overlayed. Several of the competitors hold their own, while the Frat Boy and Daria are racking up points like crazy, skillfully weaving their frogs through the various obstacles. Kevin, however, can't seem to keep his frog alive past the first line of traffic. Eventually the dread "GAME OVER" pops up on his screen.)   
  
KEVIN: Aw, MAAAAN! My frogs all died!   
  
MALCOLM: One down, 15 to go!   
  
(Cut to the time clock as it counts down the last few seconds of the first round. The crowd counts down along with Malcolm.)   
  
CROWD & MALCOLM: ...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...TIME!   
  
MALCOLM: Stand back from your machines, please. The scorekeepers will be around to record your scores momentarily. It'll be about five minutes.   
  
(Daria stands back, massaging her hands. David wheels down the ramp of the platform and over to her.)   
  
DAVID: You all right?   
  
DARIA: Yeah, just trying to get my hands to cooperate with the rapid pace.   
  
DAVID: Lemme see...   
  
(He takes her hand and begins massaging it. Daria blushes slightly and tries not to look uncomfortable.)   
  
DAVID: How's that? Feel better?   
  
DARIA: Um...yeah. Thanks.   
  
DAVID: Good. Good luck!   
  
(He wheels back to the platform. Daria watches him for a few moments, then looks down at her hand, before going back to her machine.)   
  
MALCOLM: Okay, the results have been tallied. Will the following players step forward? Joe Callabrese...Rachel Hunter...Mike Gruber...Steve Davies...Dana Kyle...Natalie Hastings...Kevin Thompson...   
  
KEVIN: ALL RIGHHHHHT!   
  
BRITTANY: Yay, Kevvie!   
  
MALCOLM: *Ahem* ...and Russell Weis.   
  
(The eight called stand there for a minute looking proud of themselves.)   
  
MALCOLM: You guys gave it your all...but sadly, it didn't pay off. You've been eliminated from further play. Please leave the playfield.   
  
KEVIN: Awwww, MAAAAAAAN!   
  
(The eight players walk off with varying degrees of disappointment.)   
  
MALCOLM: Well, that's the way it goes. As for the remaining eight of you, get your button fingers warmed up, because up next is one of the biggest quarter munchers of the 80's, and only the top four scorers are moving on to round 3. (he grins and snaps into poetry) More addictive than Pac-Man, a lot bigger than Pong, where we first met the plumber, here comes "Donkey Kong!"   
  
(MUSIC CUE: "Do the Donkey Kong" Buckner & Garcia)   
  
(A shorter play segment this time. We see each player in turn as they do their best to deal with the barrels, flames, and other obstacles that make up your average game of Donkey Kong. Daria is frowning, one of the other female competitors is getting seriously agitated, Frat Boy seems in danger of snapping his joystick off, David remains cool and composed. We then dissolve to Malcolm as he reads off four of the names:)   
  
MALCOLM: Richard Pierson...   
  
(Frat Boy steps up.)   
  
MALCOLM: Hillary Grant...   
  
(Hillary steps up, anxiously rubbing her hands.)   
  
MALCOLM: Daria Morgendorffer...   
  
DARIA: (under her breath.) Damn!   
  
MALCOLM: ...and David Kuromura!   
  
(There's sounds of shock from the crowd. Daria looks as David wheels down the ramp next to her.)   
  
DAVID: (whispering) Don't worry...   
  
DARIA: Huh?   
  
MALCOLM: These four...will be going on to round 3!   
  
(The crowd goes nuts. David smiles up at Daria.)   
  
DAVID: Told ya. (he rolls off into the crowd.)   
  
DARIA: Wait..what about-?   
  
MALCOLM: We're going to take a one hour break. Rest your hands, get some food, use the facilities. But don't take too long. Anyone not at their station by (he looks up at the clock) 3:49 will be disqualified from the tournament. See you all in an hour for the final two rounds! (he puts down the mike and turns to Daria) Nice job, Daria. You keep playing like that and you just might be able to knock Kuromura off his perch.   
  
MANAGER: Yo, Kaiser! We got the chips in.   
  
MALCOLM: Great! I'll be right there. Excuse me, Daria. (he gets down off the platform and goes off with the manager. Jodie, Chris, Mack, and Upchuck come up.)   
  
JODIE: Congratulations! You're doing great!   
  
CHRIS: Great nothing. She's kicking ass!   
  
DARIA: Thanks.   
  
MACK: You all right?   
  
DARIA: Yeah...just a little worried. David's really good...   
  
UPCHUCK: I told you you should have had more practice--OWWWWW!   
  
CHRIS: Oh my, I'm just a klutz today.   
  
JODIE: All right, knock it off. (to Daria) You hungry?   
  
DARIA: (looking out in the crowd) Huh?   
  
JODIE: Are you hungry?   
  
DARIA: Yeah...sure.   
  
CHRIS: Oh, she's hungry all right...just not for food---OWWWW!   
  
JODIE: Sorry, I guess that klutziness is contagious.   
  
MACK: All right, I think we'd better go get some food before these three end up breaking each other's feet.   
  
DARIA: Yeah...   
  
(She gets down off the platform and the five of them leave the arcade. As they pass one knot of people, one person moves out of the way and we see David looking at Daria as she leaves.)   
  
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)   
  
  
  
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NEXT EPISODE: Well, the original series may be gone, but The Daria Chronicles continue (Despite having now gone completely into alternate continuum territory). Up next, a freak snowstorm hits Lakeside burying the town in an ungodly amount of snow...and Daria's stranded on the other side of town from her dorm. "Snow Flake," next on "The Daria Chronicles."   
  
  
  
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(The arcade. Later. The four semi-finalists are standing in front of their machines. It appears that the third round has been completed, and they're waiting for the results. Malcolm comes on to the platform with an index card and the mike.)   
  
MALCOLM: Okay, folks, we're gonna have a great match up for the finals. Our two finalists not only qualified, but they actually tied for first place during the "Asteroids" round. The two finalists for this years Pollard Student Union Arcade Retro Revival Tournament are...   
  
(Cut to each semi-finalist rapidly; Frat Boy, Hillary, Daria, David. Then out to the crowd to Jodie, Mack, Chris, Kevin, Brittany, and Upchuck, who looks like he's about to have a coronary, then back to Malcolm.)   
  
MALCOLM: DARIA MORGENDORFFER AND DAVID KUROMURA!   
  
(The crowd goes berzerk. Mack and Upchuck cheer the loudest.)   
  
CHRIS: YES! YES! YOU ROCK, RARELY!!!   
  
(Daria looks a little overwhelmed at the enthusiasm of the crowd. After a few moments, Malcolm start getting the crowd to calm down.)   
  
MALCOLM: All right, all right, settle down, people. Let's save some of that for the winner, okay?   
  
(He gets a few chuckles out of the crowd.)   
  
MALCOLM: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the finals!   
  
CROWD: (Overly enthusastic cheer)   
  
MALCOLM: Same rules as before. The players have 10 minutes to rack up as many points as possible. Highest score at the end of that time will be decalred the winner. In the event of a tie, we go into Sudden Death overtime where all three players will start again and play until all three of their lives have been lost. Highest score at that point will be declared the winner. And the game for the finals is...   
  
(Daria swallows. She's clearly nervous.)   
  
MALCOLM: "DEFENDER!"   
  
(Daria lets out her breath sharply and looks relieved as she turns back to the machine. David looks just as confident as he turns to his machine.)   
  
MALCOLM: You have ten minutes! Ready...   
  
(Daria places her fingers on the buttons. David does likewise.)   
  
MALCOLM: ...Set...   
  
(Cut to Daria's eyes. They are piercing and intense. Cut to David's eyes. They are serious but amused.)   
  
MALCOLM: ...GOOOOOOOOOO!   
  
(MUSIC CUE: "The Defender" Buckner & Garcia)   
  
It's a dirty, filthy job, but it's got to be done; There's a battle goin' on, it's got to be won. I'm a million miles from home in a foreign place; The battleground this time, you see, is outer space.   
  
(Chorus:)   
  
I'm the Defender, a mutant bender. I'm the Defender, a mind bender. I'll defend this state to the end; I'm the captain of this ship and its men.   
  
There's a lander up ahead, now he's going down; Now I'm chasing the baiter around and around. Here comes the bomber, now this is my chance To fire the laser and watch him dance.   
  
(Chorus)   
  
A pod has appeared at the top of the screen; They're the hardest to get, if you know what I mean. A miss, then a hit, now he's fading away; I've done all I can, at least for today.   
  
(Chorus)   
  
I'm the Defender, I'm the Defender, a mutant bender I'm the Defender, a mind bender   
  
(Repeat and fade)   
  
(During the above we go into an intense montage, switching back and forth from Daria to David as they play. We start off with Daria, looking the most intense weve ever seen her. She's pounds the buttons fiercely. On the screen her ship swings back and forth through the scrolling screen, zapping aliens and picking up hostages. We see her score, it starts at 1000 and climbs rapidly.   
  
(Cut to David. He's playing much more relaxedly, but no less intensely. He has a more methodical approach, traveling in one direction, systematically annihilating the alien ships.   
  
(Back to Daria, she swings her ship around, takes out several landers and bombers and managing to take out a pod before she loses her first ship.)   
  
DARIA: Damn!   
  
(David keeps playing, but soon loses his first ship. Soon both are back in the running with the second ships. We see their scores. Both are in the 5000-6000 range and climbing rapidly.)   
  
DAVID: DAMN IT!   
  
(We see the exploding starburst effect that signals that he's lost his second ship.)   
  
(Cut to the crowd. Jodie and Mack watch with anticipation. Chris is beating the hell out of Upchuck in excitement. Even Brittany and Kevin are cheering Daria on. Malcolm watches the match play out. Cut to the clock. It reads that there are 5 Minutes left. Dissolve on the clock until there is only 1 minute left.   
  
(Daria seems to have settled into a groove. She doesn't look as intense as before. She blasts a few more ships before her second ship explodes. She frowns but keeps on playing when her third ship comes up. The two keep playing intently the scores climbing higher and higher. The music fades out in time for:   
  
MALCOLM: Ten seconds! 9...8...   
  
CROWD: (joining in) ...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...   
  
MALCOLM: TIME!   
  
(Daria and David immediately take their hands off the controls and their last ships explode. They step away from the machines and the scorekeepers rush in. Daria starts breathing heavily. Malcolm comes over to them.)   
  
MALCOLM: (with the mike) How do you feel?   
  
DARIA: (keeps breathing) ...water...   
  
MALCOLM: Could we get some water over here for the finalists? That was an intense session. David, our returning champion, how do you feel?   
  
DAVID: I agree with my opponent. Water. She really gave me a run for my money.   
  
MALCOLM: Well, that's good. The scorekeepers are tallying the final results. We should have them in a minute.   
  
(Jodie and Chris come up with cups of water. They give them to Daria and David.)   
  
JODIE: (to Daria) Here, drink. (Daria does so, gratefully) That was amazing. I never knew you were that good.   
  
DARIA: Now you see what I spent my time doing instead of studying.   
  
CHRIS: Man, that was wild. I'm sweating over here and I wasn't even playing!   
  
DARIA: Thanks.   
  
DAVID: Glad you enjoyed the show.   
  
CHRIS: Good greif, guy. How do you stay so calm through all this?   
  
DAVID: (grinning) After navigating through rush hour in this thing, nothing fazes me any more.   
  
MALCOLM: (coming up them) Hate to break this up, but I've got the results. (to Jodie and Chris) I need you two to clear the stage, please.   
  
JODIE: Sure. Good luck, Daria.   
  
CHRIS: Yeah, good luck, Rarely. (to David) Same goes for you, Goodyear.   
  
(They leave the stage.)   
  
DAVID: "Goodyear?"   
  
DARIA: She gives nicknames to people she likes. I have to admit "Goodyear" is a hell of a lot better than "Rarely."   
  
(Malcolm picks up the mike again.)   
  
MALCOLM: Okay, are we ready to find out who won this mindless video debauchery?   
  
(The crowd responds enthusiastically.)   
  
MALCOLM: All right! May I have the envelope, please?   
  
(One of the scorekeepers comes over and hands Malcolm a sealed envelope. He opens it and re ads the card inside.)   
  
MALCOLM: The winner of the Fifth Annual Pollard Student Union Retro Revival Video Game Tournament, the one who's going home with the grand prize of 500 bucks in cash, with a final score of 12,365 points is...   
  
(Cut to David and Daria, then to Jodie, Mack, Chris, Kevin, Brittany, and Upchuck, then back to Malcolm again.)   
  
MALCOLM: ...DAVID KUROMURA!   
  
(The crowd goes nuts and several people swarm the stage. David accepts the congratulations happily. Daria just looks miserable. She tries to offer David a handshake but can't get through the crowd of well wishers. After a minute she slumps off the stage. Jodie, Mack, and Chris try to get to her, but by the time they get out of the arcade and into the hall, Daria is gone.)   
  
(Dissolve to later that night. We see Daria in her nightclothes again, writing in her journal at her desk. She's alone in the dorm room.)   
  
DARIA: (V/O) I suppose things could have been worse. I did take second place after all, and that came with a $200.00 prize and that'll help. But I get the feeling that the paint job will cost more than that.   
  
(She sighs and looks out the window for a moment, before returning to writing.)   
  
DARIA: (V/O) I know, now that Mom's gotten the insurance thing settled, that my parents could loan me the rest of the money, but I don't really want to do that. I need to start standing on my own two feet, and solve my own problems. I guess I'll just put the 200 in the bank and start eating more at the cafeteria until I save enough to pay for it.   
  
(She sighs again)   
  
DARIA: I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't David who beat me. He's a nice guy, and I'm glad he didn't throw the match or anything, but still it's--   
  
(She frowns and scribbles out the paragraph. She starts writing again.)   
  
DARIA: (V/O) Oh no, not again, Morgendorffer. You don't need a relapse of "Trent Syndrome" on top of everything else. Get the practical aspects of your life sorted out now. Get the car fixed, get the money somehow. No charity.   
  
(Jodie and Chris suddenly burst into the room, startling Daria)   
  
DARIA: Gaaah! (beat) You know, there is such as thing as "knocking."   
  
JODIE: Forget that, Daria. You need to come with us right now.   
  
DARIA: Now? (she looks down at herself) I'm not exactly dressed for an outing.   
  
CHRIS: So throw some pants on then and get your shoes! It's your car!   
  
DARIA: My car? (she stands up) What the hell did they do to my car now?   
  
(Daria storms out of the room, not bothering to put on pants or shoes. Jodie and Chris follow.)   
  
(Cut to the parking lot. Kevin, Brittany, Mack, and Upchuck are standing in front of Daria's car. Daria storms up the steps that lead from the dorm to the parking lot. Jodie and Chris follow.)   
  
DARIA: All right, what the hell's going on? What's wrong with my car?   
  
KEVIN: Wrong? But didn't--OOOF!   
  
(Brittany removes her elbow from Kevin's stomach. Daria frowns.)   
  
DARIA: What's going on?   
  
MACK: Well, after you ran off, we tried to look for you.   
  
DARIA: I wanted to be alone.   
  
JODIE: We guessed. So we went out to dinner.   
  
DARIA: And I'm sure you had a great meal, but what the hell does this have to do with my car?   
  
JODIE: Well, when we got back here, Mack wanted to look at the damage to your car again so we could help you get it repaired.   
  
UPCHUCK: And well...   
  
(The group moves away from the car, revealing that the car now has a brand new hood. It doesn't match the paint job exactly. It's a shade or two darker than the rest of the car and has a matte finish rather than being shiny, but it's clear that someone has replaced it. Daria walks up to the car and around it, marveling at the hood.)   
  
DARIA: You guys...?   
  
CHRIS: (smirks) Not us, Rarely, someone else beat us to the punch.   
  
(She points at the windshield. There's an envelope under the windshiled wiper on the driver's side. Daria picks it up. It's addressed to her. She opens the envelope and reads.)   
  
DAVID: (V/O) Daria, I hope you won't think I'm too presumptous by doing this. I know you needed that prize money to fix your car, so I called a few people and managed to get a replacement hood here and installed. It's not perfect, but it cost most of the prize money to get the hood and get it here and replaced in a few hours. From what I've seen, you probably won't let this be a gift, so we'll call it a loan, repayable on the "whenever you can" schedule. No interest. Call it a favor for giving me a great final match in the tournament. See you around the library. David.   
  
(Daria folds the letter back up and puts it back in the envelope. She looks back at the car, then turns and starts walking back to the dorm.)   
  
CHRIS: Hey, Rarely, you okay?   
  
DARIA: (stops) You know...I think I'm getting there.   
  
(Cut back to Rm. 113A. Daria comes back into the room, puts the envelope in the back of her journal, then turns back to her entry. She thinks for a few moments, then picks up the pen and writes...)   
  
DARIA: (V/O) DAMN!   
  
  
  
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END CREDITS WITH FOLLOWING MAKEOVERS:   
  
Mack as Mario   
  
Brittany as Lara Croft   
  
Upchuck as Donkey Kong   
  
Kevin as Mega Man   
  
Chris as Chun Li   
  
Jodie as Ms. Pac-Man   
  
Malcolm as Dirk the Daring   
  
David as Tron (in a modified Lightcycle)   
  
Daria as Space Ace   
  
(CLOSING MUSIC: "Goin' Berzerk," Buckner & Garcia)   
  
I think I'm goin' berzerk. I think I'm losing my mind.  
I'm getting lost in the shuffle. It happens everytime.  
I think I'm goin' berzerk. Would you like to come too?  
I can't stop now, I'm addicted. I'm berzerk over you.   
  
  
If we fight this thing together,  
There's a chance that we might win;  
Now here comes Evil Otto,  
Push the fire buttons in.  
I'm sure he's crazy too,  
Because he's bouncin' off the floor;  
There's no way to destroy him,  
Let him bounce right out the door.  
  
  
Now here comes Evil Otto,  
Push the fire buttons in,  
If we fight this thing together,  
There's a chance that we might win.  
  
  
I think I'm goin' berzerk. I think I'm losing my mind.  
I'm getting lost in the shuffle. It happens everytime.  
I think I'm goin' berzerk. Would you like to come too?  
I can't stop now, I'm addicted. I'm berzerk over you.   
  
  
Berzerk, berzerk, berzerk over you.  
Berzerk, berzerk, berzerk over you.  
Berzerk, berzerk, berzerk over you.  
  
  
  
  
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"Daria" and related characters are (C) 1997-2002 MTV Networks and Viacom International. All orignal characters and locations (C) 2002 Erin Mills 


End file.
